By Seyi Gesinde
November 7, 2026
There is a romantic drama that deserves a little examination, particularly in the African context.
A young man approaches a woman. He tells her he loves her, expresses his intentions and asks her to accept him. She considers his proposal and says yes.
They become a couple.
They understand each other. They build a relationship. They make plans. They introduce themselves to friends and, in some cases, families. They speak about their future together.
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Then, months or years later, the same man kneels before her, produces a ring, gathers an audience, perhaps hires a photographer, and asks:
“Will you marry me?”
And she screams, cries, covers her face and eventually says yes.
Everybody celebrates.
But there is one question nobody seems interested in asking.
𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐃𝐈𝐃 𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐀𝐘 𝐘𝐄𝐒 𝐓𝐎 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐒𝐓 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐄?
Was it a proposal for marriage, or an invitation to become somebody’s temporary romantic companion?
Was the man seeking a wife, or simply looking for a girlfriend whose position could be advertised as available for renewal?
And was the woman accepting a suitor with marriage in view, or agreeing to an arrangement in which both parties could enjoy each other until another person appeared?
This is where the drama becomes difficult to ignore.
The African understanding of courtship
In many Nigerian traditional communities, particularly among families that have preserved their customary marriage practices, a man does not ordinarily approach a woman of marriageable age merely to acquire a girlfriend.
He approaches her with marriage as his intention.
He declares his interest. He seeks her consent. If she accepts, both understand that the relationship is directed towards marriage. The subsequent steps may involve introductions, family consultations, enquiries about character and background, negotiations and the customary marriage rites of their community.
The procedures differ among the Yoruba, Igbo, Hausa and other Nigerian communities. No single description can capture every African culture. But in the traditional marriage understanding being examined here, the intention of courtship is not an endless succession of temporary romantic partnerships.
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐀𝐍 𝐒𝐄𝐄𝐊𝐒 𝐀 𝐖𝐈𝐅𝐄. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐎𝐌𝐀𝐍 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐀 𝐇𝐔𝐒𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐃.
The acceptance of his declared intention establishes the direction of their relationship.
It does not mean that the two are already legally married, nor does it remove the need for family consent, customary procedures or the woman’s continuing freedom to reconsider. It means that the purpose of their association has been made clear from the beginning.
So, when did the second proposal become necessary?
If a man approaches a woman and says, in substance, “I want to marry you. Will you accept me?”, and she says yes, what exactly is he returning to ask months later?
Has the original intention changed?
Has the woman been promoted from girlfriend to wife candidate?
Was the first acceptance merely an audition?
𝐖𝐇𝐘 𝐀𝐒𝐊 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐁𝐎𝐓𝐇 𝐀𝐋𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐘 𝐀𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐄𝐃 𝐖𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐍?
The hypocrisy of temporary relationships
Let us direct the question to both parties.
To the man, when you approached the woman and asked her to accept you, what was your intention?
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Did you want a wife, or did you want somebody to occupy your emotional space until you decided what you really wanted?
Did you approach her with a genuine intention to establish a home, or did you simply want the privileges of companionship without the responsibility of commitment?
And to the woman, when you accepted him, what exactly did you accept?
Did you accept a suitor whose intention was marriage, or did you agree to become a temporary companion while both of you kept your options open?
If either party knew from the beginning that marriage was not the intention, why create expectations that suggest otherwise?
And if both understood that marriage was the destination, why turn the eventual decision into a second discovery?
There is something deeply contradictory about a man spending years presenting himself as a woman’s future husband, only to behave as though the subject of marriage has never been discussed.
Equally, there is something dishonest about accepting a man’s declared marriage intention, encouraging his expectations and later pretending that the original agreement meant nothing.
𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐋𝐘 𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐏 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐈𝐓 𝐈𝐒 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐀𝐂𝐂𝐄𝐏𝐓 𝐈𝐓𝐒 𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐏𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐁𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐒.
Christianity has an even deeper question
Now let us bring the matter into Christian practice.
The contradiction becomes particularly striking when people profess to be followers of JESUS CHRIST, yet organise their relationships around arrangements that disregard the biblical understanding of sexual purity, marriage and responsibility.
The Bible does not prescribe the modern boyfriend and girlfriend formula. It does not provide a universal courtship script or require every Christian couple to follow one cultural procedure.
But it is unmistakable about the moral boundaries.
First Thessalonians 4:3 to 5 teaches that GOD’s will is sanctification and that believers must abstain from sexual immorality and exercise self control.
𝟭 𝗖𝗼𝗿𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗮𝗻𝘀 𝟲:𝟭𝟴 commands believers to flee sexual immorality.
𝗛𝗲𝗯𝗿𝗲𝘄𝘀 𝟭𝟯:𝟰 declares that marriage should be honoured by all and the marriage bed kept pure.
These are not optional decorations for Christian wedding ceremonies.
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They are instructions for Christian living.
So, what exactly is the Christian understanding of a relationship between a man and a woman who are considering marriage?
Is it an arrangement for sexual gratification while marriage remains indefinitely postponed?
Is it a convenient relationship in which both parties enjoy intimacy but avoid the responsibilities of a godly commitment?
Or is it a purposeful period of getting to know each other, with marriage as the declared intention, while maintaining the holiness Scripture demands?
𝐂𝐇𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐀𝐍 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐓𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐏 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐁𝐄 𝐀 𝐂𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍, 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐄𝐈𝐓 𝐎𝐑 𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐈𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐏𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐁𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘.
𝗘𝗽𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗶𝗮𝗻𝘀 𝟱:𝟮𝟱 instructs husbands to love their wives as CHRIST loved the Church. That is a profound standard of sacrificial love, not a licence to enjoy the benefits of a relationship while postponing its responsibilities.
And 𝗠𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘄 𝟭𝟵:𝟰 𝘁𝗼 𝟲 takes us back to the creation account, where JESUS refers to the union of a man and a woman and declares that what GOD has joined together, no one should separate.
The Christian understanding of marriage is therefore not merely about romantic excitement. It is about covenant, fidelity, responsibility and a life lived under GOD.
Adam did not ask Eve twice
Perhaps the creation account offers one of the most striking illustrations.
In 𝗚𝗲𝗻𝗲𝘀𝗶𝘀 𝟮, GOD saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone. He made a suitable companion for him and brought her to him.
Adam recognised Eve and declared:
“This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh.” 𝗚𝗲𝗻𝗲𝘀𝗶𝘀 𝟮:𝟮𝟯.
The following verse establishes the marriage principle:
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” 𝗚𝗲𝗻𝗲𝘀𝗶𝘀 𝟮:𝟮𝟰.
Consider the picture.
GOD established companionship within the framework of marriage. Eve was not presented as a temporary romantic experiment for Adam to evaluate before deciding whether he wanted a wife.
There is no second proposal recorded in which Adam later knelt before Eve to ask whether she would marry him.
The account presents the origin and purpose of marriage, not a modern engagement ceremony.
And that is precisely the point.
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐏𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐈𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐂 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄. 𝐈𝐓 𝐈𝐒 𝐆𝐎𝐃𝐋𝐘 𝐔𝐍𝐈𝐎𝐍.
The ring is not the marriage
Let us be clear. A man can still present a ring, kneel before his intended wife and create a beautiful memory. A couple can celebrate their decision publicly. There is nothing inherently wrong with a romantic proposal ceremony.
But the ceremony must not become a substitute for the understanding that should already exist.
A ring does not create character.
A spectacular proposal does not establish faithfulness.
A public declaration does not guarantee private integrity.
And a woman saying yes before hundreds of spectators cannot make a man a responsible husband.
The real questions should have been addressed long before the cameras arrived.
Do we share the same values?
Do we understand the responsibilities of marriage?
Are we prepared to be faithful?
Can we build a home together?
Have we sought GOD’s direction?
Are we ready to honour the commitment we are making?
These questions matter far more than the size of the diamond.
And nobody should be forced into marriage because of an earlier romantic acceptance. Consent must remain genuine. A person can reconsider, and a marriage intention does not remove the freedom to say no.
But honesty must begin at the first approach, not when the relationship has already consumed years of somebody’s life.
So, what exactly is the drama?
A man approaches a woman with the intention of marrying her. She accepts. They understand the purpose of their relationship.
Then, after a considerable period, he returns to ask whether she will marry him.
The woman says yes.
The audience applauds.
The photographer captures the moment.
The video goes viral.
And perhaps the most important question remains unanswered:
𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐒𝐓 𝐘𝐄𝐒 𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓?
If the first yes was not an agreement to pursue marriage, what exactly was it?
If it was an agreement to pursue marriage, why is the second question being treated as though the first agreement never existed?
Perhaps we should stop confusing the spectacle of a proposal with the seriousness of an intention.
In the traditional Nigerian marriage understanding being examined here, a suitor declares his intention, the woman accepts or declines, and the families proceed through the recognised steps towards marriage.
In Christian life, a relationship directed towards marriage must be governed by purity, truth, responsibility and reverence for GOD.
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐒𝐓 𝐀𝐂𝐂𝐄𝐏𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐁𝐄 𝐀 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐘. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐀𝐋 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐁𝐄 𝐀 𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐂𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘.
Because the real question is not how beautifully a man asks a woman to marry him.
It is whether the two people understood, from the beginning, what they were committing themselves to.
𝐈𝐅 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐀𝐒𝐊𝐄𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐀 𝐖𝐈𝐅𝐄, 𝐖𝐇𝐘 𝐃𝐈𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐁𝐄𝐆𝐈𝐍 𝐁𝐘 𝐀𝐒𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐀 𝐆𝐈𝐑𝐋𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐃?
And if you accepted a man who declared his intention to marry you, what exactly did you think you were saying yes to?
𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐘 𝐌𝐄 𝐃𝐑𝐀𝐌𝐀!
